Coupeville Sports

Liev Schreiber is gonna have to punch you. He’s not happy about it, but it has to be done. (Image copyright of Magnet Releasing)

Let’s pretend, for a moment, that I was still at Videoville.

During my 12+ year run behind the counter there, I excelled at one thing in particular — driving people crazy by relentlessly pushing films I loved on them. Often these films were what Miriam Meyer would describe as “yeah … that’s a … David movie…” as she shook her head slowly, sadly.

I once won a bet with her back in the day by renting our three VHS copies of “Bottle Rocket” a combined 300 times. A really smart six or seven people loved that movie, and the rest of the town still holds an unnecessary grudge.

It’s been 16 years. Get over it.

But anyways, back to the present, and I know for a fact I would be going crazy right now for a little hockey film called “Goon.” A profane, violent, surprisingly touching, hard-nosed but soft-hearted little film about a no-skate, all-punch hockey enforcer who lives by his fists but isn’t quite the mindless marauder the outside world sees.

I would be driving people loony right now. I would be gushing. And a lot of people would come back and huck the DVD at my head, cause they just wouldn’t get it.

I pity those folks.

And sure, it’s possible I’m the one with my head screwed on wrong. Having seen more than 15,000 films in my life (it’s probably much higher than that, but let’s not quibble over numbers), I tend to go for the odd, the different, the offbeat.

So many films run together, shamelessly ape better films (“House at the End of the Street,” I’m looking at you. “Sleepaway Camp” is not amused.) or just don’t even try, so when something different comes along, I have, occasionally, jumped way overboard in my glee.

But here I’m right.

Underneath the off-color dialogue and frequently flying blood is a touching tale of a lug (Sean William Scott) who is underestimated at every step.

His parents, who had hoped for a doctor, aren’t especially proud of his ability to operate with his fists. He struggles to connect with those around him and comes off as a mixture of shy, stubborn and introverted.

He only really comes alive when his one talent — the ability to withstand great pummeling and then launch a withering reply — is suddenly appreciated. Recruited by a minor league hockey team after he obliterates a player who comes into the stands and attacks him and his loudmouth buddy during a game, he finds a purpose in life.

“I protect people.”

And that’s the key. He doesn’t seek to hurt others, he is the last wall between those he loves and a world that wants to hurt them. He is a brawler with a soul, a Gandhi who will cold-cock you, then apologize for having to do it.

“Goon” works on so many levels. It is frequently hilarious — I’m gonna say it, as much as I revere Paul Newman, “Goon” tops the the gold standard that was “Slap Shot” — but it also goes far deeper.

The moments between Scott and an insanely feared enforcer (Liev Schrieber) who is on his way out the door, one nose-cruncher at a time, are beautifully played. A scene at a diner, where the two warily circle each other over cups of coffee, respect mixing with the absolute certainty that they will have to beat each other senseless soon, rivals Pacino and De Niro having the sit-down in “Heat.”

Look, “Goon” is not for everyone. It is bloody in places, it has a warped sense of humor, it has some serious profanity issues.

But it is so much more than you might expect. It is deeper, it stays with you in a way you didn’t expect and if you don’t get a little misty-eyed at the end, well, maybe you’d be happier watching the “Twilight” films.

At least that way you could get a good nap.