Nicolas Cage would like to have a word regarding your use of a cell phone in a movie theater.
Movie watching ain’t what it used to be.
In so many ways.
Gone are the days of me camping out in the Oak Harbor theater to the extent where the back row seats were shaped to my butt cheeks.
It wasn’t Covid that killed the public viewing experience for me.
It was cell phones, and the moment when modern theater owners decided that no, they really didn’t want to do anything to keep the morons from lighting up in the dark and ruining the experience.
I watched films in off-island dollar theaters where we openly debated as to whether the chunks of stuff on the wall were smashed-up brownies or something far more nefarious.
Possible (human) manure? Not a deal-breaker.
Cell phones? The end of civilization as we know it.
And so I’ve gone inside, choosing my own recliner and I’m better for it.
NOT playing at a theater near you.
We’re at a time when a month of a streaming service costs less than a single matinee ticket, and that’s before adding in the gas spent, the endless ads unspooled before we even get to the movie trailers, and the inflated cost of Reese’s Pieces.
Not to mention having to overcome the urge to “liberate” all the cell phones and light them on fire in the middle of the theater in a tribute to the cinematic gods.
Not that streaming is perfect, as tracking down movies through the labyrinth is becoming increasingly more difficult.
First the studios splintered into a million little pieces, and now they’re slowly, methodically lurching their way back to being cable TV again.
The dream of me being able to hide under my blankies and watch whatever I want, whenever I want, for as few pennies as possible, remains just that — a dream.
But I endure.
While frequently complaining to the universe, which the landlord’s cats have informed me makes it harder for them to enjoy their dinner in the manner they require.
So, while I wait for them to launch a coordinated attack on the duplex and stuff a rag in my mouth, I surf the internet, and complain, then complain some more.
At least there are no cell phones to set on fire, except for the one which my sister makes me have, but which I frequently ignore.
This year, as an experiment, I decided to document every film — feature length or short — I viewed.
I counted rewatches and new experiences alike, and the final number hit 602.
Some will be horrified by the number, I’m sure, but know this — back in my video store days, it was a LOT higher.
If you want, you can pop over to the Letterboxd page I used to track my viewing:
https://letterboxd.com/davidsvien/list/recliner-life-what-i-watched-in-2023/
And then you can join my nephews in informing me that, “Uncle David … you watch a lot of crap, don’t you???”
It’s true.
Though man cannot exist on Citizen Kane or Lawrence of Arabia alone.
You need The Apple in your life, too, and some Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical to keep things interesting.
It’s why I watched two films this year, with wildly varying plots, both called Malignant.
Plus, the quadruple threat of Cocaine Bear, Grizzly II (with a very young George Clooney), Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey, and Night of the Killer Bears.
And hey, if they didn’t want me to watch the really gnarly stuff, our library system wouldn’t put crap like Cannibal Holocaust on their free-to-the-world streaming site, Kanopy.
They’re the dealers, I’m just the guy trying to keep my cinematic high going. Sometimes you get Miami Vice-grade white thunder, sometimes it’s all weeds and sticks.
Streaming, where cinematic fever dreams live forever.
As I coast into a new year and move back into not publicly documenting each and every viewing experience, thereby giving my nephews ammunition for calling my sanity into question, one question lingers.
What were the best films I saw in ’23?
To start, we’ll toss out repeat viewings and go only with stuff which was brand new to me.
I know Boogie Nights and Moulin Rouge are great. You (hopefully) know Boogie Nights and Moulin Rouge are great. Movin’ right along.
And here’s where I’m going to throw in a plot twist, and finally accept something which I had to learn over my video store years.
The films I’m about to hail are not necessarily the best I saw, but my personal favorites.
Best is in the eye of the beholder, something I thought about as I rewatched Bottle Rocket, the film that tore apart Coupeville, for the first time since 1996.
Twenty-seven years down the road it was even better the second time around … for me.
I know there are many, many people out there who probably still hate the film, or at least remember hating it, and trying to convince them to change their mind is pretty pointless.
Listen, you love Avatar, and I think the series is a pointless waste of time and money, and I love the Coen brothers, and you get the shakes when their names come up.
It is what it is.
So, here we go, 23 films that I saw for the first time in 2023 and loved (or at least seriously liked).
Your mileage may vary.
Short films:
#10 — My Cat Lucy – YouTube
Hairballs are the work of the Devil.
#9 — The Punisher: Dirty Laundry – YouTube
Down ‘n dirty day in the life of the Marvel Comics vigilante, and a better cinematic take on the character than all of his feature film appearances combined.
#8 — Hors Piste – YouTube
Fun animated mini flick about a botched mountain rescue. PS — my nephews thought the title was hilarious, even if it doesn’t mean what it sounds like.
#7 — Ivalu – Kanopy
A young woman goes missing in Greenland, and things spiral downwards from there.
6 — Ice Merchants – YouTube
Eye-popping animated tale of daredevils chasing frozen water treats.
#5 — (tie) La Chambre (The Room) – Netflix and Knight of Fortune – YouTube
Two different countries, two different tales of people picking up the pieces after a death in the family.
#4 — The Red Suitcase – YouTube
A young girl, sent to another country to be a child bride, makes a run for it in a tense thriller.
#3 — Bob & Don – YouTube
Beautiful tribute to lifelong friends/comedian all-stars Bob Newhart and Don Rickles, proving opposites attract.
#2 — An Irish Goodbye – Kanopy
Two brothers try and fulfill their late mother’s bucket list, eliciting big tears and bigger laughs.
#1 — Boom – YouTube
I’ve seen this three times now, and it’s better than anything Pixar or Disney have done in a decade. The eggs running away, with just the legs having broken free, was my favorite moment of 2023, hands down.
Disney needs to open the bank vault now.
Feature films:
#10 (tie) — Mandy – Tubi and Babylon – Paramount+
Fever dreams about madmen (and women), with directors going absolutely for broke, no matter how many people they offend along the way. Nicolas Cage in a drug-fueled chainsaw duel and Margot Robbie sharing screen time with degenerates, both human and animal — now that’s cinema. Of a certain type…
#9 — The Holdovers – Peacock
Pitch-perfect ’70s set story of a band of misfits forced to spend Christmas break together on an otherwise shuttered campus. Paul Giamatti’s best work yet, and that’s saying a lot.
#8 – Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny – Disney+
Listen, I’ve seen Raiders of the Lost Ark 10 billion times. Even if this was bad (and it’s not) I would have given it some slack. How nice to have it be a genuinely touching, rip-roaring farewell to Harrison Ford in the role.
#7 — Lifeguard – Paramount+
Sam Elliott was once a young(er) man! Long before his bushy mustache became an international star on its own, he made this tale of a man hanging on to a fading life even as everyone else around him sells out. Far deeper than you expect — but, hey, it was the ’70s, when films were far more willing to be morally complex.
#6 (tie) — In a Valley of Violence – Netflix and The Sisters Brothers – Tubi
Two strong recent Westerns which honor the tradition of Eastwood and Leone, while finding their own unique paths. The former is proof John Travolta still has the juice when he wants to bring it.
#5 — 99 Homes – Kanopy
Lacerating tale of a man who loses his family home in the economic crash, then gets it back (and more), at least for a while, by becoming the very thing he hates.
#4 — Boyhood – Paramount+
I put this one off for a few years, and now wonder what I was thinking. Shot over multiple years, so we can see the young lead actor grow up for real on camera, it burrows deep to find something real and remarkable.
#3 — Licorice Pizza – Max
Paul Thomas Anderson, the man who gave us Boogie Nights, Hard Eight, and There Will Be Blood, is money in the bank, and this coming-of-age tale is another home run for the modern master.
#2 — Maggie Moore(s) – Hulu
Did I mention I love the Coen brothers? This VERY dark comedy/crime thriller, starring Jon Hamm and Tina Fey, is like a perfect performance by a really good tribute band. It might not be 100% the real thing, but it’s really dang close.
#1 — Hickey and Boggs – Tubi
A ’70s film with morally questionable lead characters (cops/PI’s/con men, etc.) sinking into a world of corruption, with no happy endings?
That’s my jam, baby.
From Chinatown — my favorite all-time film — to others like Night Moves, The Outfit, The Seven-Ups, Dirty Harry, The Long Goodbye, Farewell My Lovely, The Conversation, The Parallax View, Trick Baby, and now this one, which somehow evaded me until this year, I eat ’em up and come back for more.
Problematic enough to make a Gen Z TikToker have a stroke.
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