Coupeville Sports

I watched 29 films in an afternoon.

So now, even though I’ve never remotely been anywhere close to Texas in my life, I can still say I attended the South by Southwest 2020 Film Festival.

Sort of.

SXSW normally lights up Austin each year, and it’s one of the major stops in the world of film fests.

Of course, this time around, COVID-19 is preventing anyone from sitting in a theater, wedged in between that guy loudly eating, and that other one taking up part of your seat along with his, and that third one talking to the person next to him.

There was a time period when I spent more time in Whidbey Island movie theaters than arguably anyone who didn’t get paid to be there.

Through the ’90s and much of the 2000’s, I’ll put my ticket stubs up against anyone in this area.

And while our rock in the water isn’t Austin, or Cannes, or Telluride, or Park City, or even Seattle, I watched virtually everything that played here (and so much more thanks to video stores and, eventually, streaming).

But even before the pandemic closed down theaters, I had begun to fall away.

Not from watching films, but from seeing them in theaters, as prices skyrocketed and most theater owners gave up, allowing cellphone-wielding cretins to thoroughly ruin the experience.

Now, from the tales I’ve read on the internet, there are still pockets of theaters where they hold fast to the old-school traditions of “shut the hell up, leave your phone off, get your feet off the top of the seat, and show some damn respect.”

Good lord, I sound like I need to go eat some prunes and contemplate taking a nap, but I digress…

Anyway, in outposts like Austin, the kind of theaters which host events such as SXSW operate differently than the pits of humanity in my general vicinity.

It sucks that those theaters are losing out on their yearly celebration of film, but, thanks to some quick moves, SXSW is living on in a virtual format.

From April 27-May 6, you can go to Amazon and view for free a mix of feature films and short films which would have unspooled at the film fest.

You don’t need a Prime membership, which is good, since I don’t have one.

Side note, Hulu is the way to go. But, once again, I digress.

So, camped out on my recliner, buried under blankies, one eye peeled just in case Jeff Bezos pops up to take control of my soul through the internet connection, I watched all 29 short films being offered.

The first one was a slim four minutes, the longest a fairly-robust 26 minutes, all banding together to take up just a bit over six hours of my time.

And since I have been known to go off-Island, camp out at a mall cineplex, and watch six or seven feature films in a row in a day – entering while the dew is still on the ground and exiting into a dark, nearly empty parking lot – six hours ain’t got nothin’ on me.

What I saw from my recliner, and my thoughts:

Affurmative Action – Quicksilver documentary using “Meet the Team” pages from tech company websites, showcasing how many dogs (and one interloping cat) have made the cut, while there seems to not be a single black human face to be seen. Drops the KO, then exits.

Basic – Nicely-done comedy about a woman scrolling through Instagram, delivering a verbal tongue-lashing to a rival she detests, but can’t seem to look away from.

Betye Saar: Taking Care of Business – One of the few shorts which should be expanded into a feature. Gives us a glimpse at an artistic whirlwind still going strong in her 90’s, but now I want to know more.

Blocks – Frazzled wife and mom of two small children starts barfing up Legos one day. No, really. Couple of big laughs, and the ending is nicely poetic.

Broken Bird – Beautifully-acted tale of a biracial Jersey girl preparing for her Bat Mitzvah, while also coming to terms with her largely-absent dad. Young lead actress Indigo Hubbard-Salk, who nails every conflicted emotion, is one to watch, as is first-time director Rachel Harrison Gordon.

Broken Orchestra – The filmmakers take a potentially dry subject – musical instruments being repaired and given back to Philadelphia students – and find a unique visual way to tell the story.

Call Center Blues – Solid doc about people deported from the United States who are now building lives in Tijuana, one phone call at a time. Has something to say about current events, and does it with a subtle touch.

Daddio – Big-timers Michael McKean (This is Spinal Tap) and Casey Wilson (Saturday Night Live) are aces as a father and daughter in a tear-stained comedy about dealing with death. Wilson wrote and directed, and it’s based on her own life.

Dieorama – Great little doc about a Bellingham, Washington woman who works as an investigator for a public defender’s office by day, and builds blood-soaked miniature crime scenes by night. A little macabre, a lot delightful.

Dirty – Two high school boys have a heated, tentative sexual encounter – with it being the first time for one – and then things go wrong. We’ll just say the bed sheets get the worst of it.

Face to Face Time – A woman sets up a Facetime meeting with a guy she thinks she likes, but things get awkward fast. Some laughs, but cuts out so abruptly at the end, it almost feels like the crew ran out of film stock.

Father of the Bride – Thick as sludge accents, with no captions available. Plus an unpleasant story of a man who violently gropes the decades-younger brother of his new son-in-law. Good times it ain’t.

Figurant – Hazy Twilight Zone-style riff about a man who wanders into a building and gets conscripted into being in some kind of war recreation. I didn’t see a point, but hey, could just be me.

Hiplet: Because We Can – Doc/dance video about young black ballerinas lighting up the stage in Chicago as they combine classical ballet with hip hop.

Lions in the Corner – Well-made doc about a man rebuilding his own life by staging real-life fight clubs (with boxing gloves) for others who are headed towards violent confrontations.

Mizuko – A mix of live action and animation centered around a Buddhist ritual which offers a chance for those who have had abortions (or miscarriages) to grieve.

Modern Whore – A sex worker describes her life in the biz, while showcasing the differences in how she and her clients view what plays out.

No Crying at the Dinner Table – A Vietnamese family confronts the memories from their past which haunt them, and emerge as a stronger unit. The director is sister and daughter to those talking, and, if you don’t tear up at least once, you’re probably in need of your own therapy.

A Period Piece – A man cheating on his wife finally gets a sexual encounter with his side-piece, only to have Aunt Flo show up to make it a threesome.

Quilt Fever – Pretty entertaining doc about a town which lives and thrives thanks to those who love to sew. Quick glimpses of a lot of small stories, weaving together a larger tapestry with some laughs, and a few unexpected tears.

Reminiscences of the Green Revolution – The revolution rages in the Philippines, and a young man hovers in the background, watching and commentating. He’s not there in person — thanks to a mistimed bomb explosion — but remains part of the tale, even in death.

Runon – A young autistic boy and his hard-scrabble mom wait for a bus, and we get jagged glimpses of why they seem to be on the run, and from whom. Some really eye-abusing flickering lights in an extended trip into a decrepit bathroom, and just sort of ends without ending.

Single – Smart comedy about a woman with one arm who is paired up on a blind date with a guy with one hand, and has reached her limit with people who only focus on her supposed disability. Mixes earned anger with its laughs, and drops an absolute hammer of a punctuation mark with its final shot.

Soft – Return of the strobe effect, as nearly everything takes place in a bathroom with a flickering light. Two young gay guys warily circle each other, while one of them is deeply concerned about his younger brother, who’s smoking the devil’s weed with their skeevy martial arts teacher.

Still Wylde – Heartrending tale of a failed pregnancy, though the filmmaker, who is also the lead actress, surprises by finding a poignant note of grace to end her story.

Summer Hit – Is it just a fling or something more? One’s from Spain, the other from Iceland, and while this is really well-worn territory, it’s pleasant enough.

Vert – A couple celebrates their 20th wedding anniversary by wandering into Black Mirror territory, using VR goggles which allow them to see their true inner selves. You can see where they want to go, but it just sort of flickers out.

The Voice in Your Head – A sad sack office drone is followed every day by a super-annoying dude who berates his every action. The major twist in the middle of the tale is first-rate.

Waffle – Knockout black comedy, with more than one surprise, about a possibly-demented heiress and her “best friend,” both grown women, having a middle school-style sleepover. Have a weird sense of humor? You’ll love it.

So, in the end, some good, some meh. But more good, and with the meh, you never know – personal tastes vary widely.

Do I think you need to see all 29? Probably not.

But I do really hope that some of these get the views, and the acclaim, they deserve.

If I was a one-man judging crew, the ones I absolutely would have never shut up about back in my video store days?

Broken Bird, The Voice in Your Head, Waffle, No Crying at the Dinner Table, and Dieorama.

And PS, someone please go hire Broken Bird’s dynamic duo, Rachel Harrison Gordon and Indigo Hubbard-Salk.

They are the future, and it’s a bright one.