Coupeville Sports

Sultan senior Seth Sorgen — a legend on the mic. (Photo courtesy Scott Sifferman)

Seth Sorgen, I have a crisp fiver with your name on it.

All you have to do to claim this huge financial reward — approximately half the annual operating budget of Coupeville Sports — is renounce Sultan, move to Whidbey Island and become the voice of Wolf sports.

Tempting, isn’t it?

OK, probably not, but it was worth a try at least.

Now, if you don’t live in Sultan, you may be wondering who Seth is, and why he’s my new obsession.

He’s only the best play-by-play man to hit streaming this year, a velvety-voiced mic god who could — nay, should — be the true heir to Dave Niehaus.

As Nicolas Cage would say (at least when played on SNL by Andy Samberg), “That’s high praise!”

I stumbled across Seth while watching the stream of Thursday’s softball clash between Sultan and Coupeville, a 22-0 rout for the visiting Wolves.

Streaming of high school games increased sharply during the pandemic, but Sultan has been at the forefront since the start, with their in-house Turk Pride TV.

The Turks get their cameras closer than the ones slapped onto walls by the NFHS Network, and they do a pretty stellar job.

Some schools deliver play-by-play with their broadcasts, while many don’t.

A couple are truly decent — shoutout to Orcas Island — but Turk Pride TV holds that top rung.

Especially when Seth is at the mic, it appears.

Marinate in some of his thick ‘n rich wordplay from Thursday’s broadcast:

** – “She slaps a hit. I already said slap about 18 times. It’s our word of the day, I guess.”

** – “I don’t know her, but she has the vibe of a girl who would dive face-first into the fence to make a catch.”

** – “It’s probably two outs, or a runner has just been abducted from second base and no one has noticed.”

** – “Or the runner got bored and decided to go to the dugout for a drink of water. Never know…”

** – “That umpire has a truly fantastic mustache.”

** – “The weather cleared up and we got to play. I was a little worried I was going to show up to sadness and despair.”

** – “Forget about the mitt. That ball falls gently into her loving arms.”

** – “Izzy Wells is trying to bring in her maybe sister, Savina Wells. I don’t know, Wells is a pretty common last name. But they do go to the same school, so anything is possible.”

** – “Coupeville also has Allie and Maya Lucero. Also might be sisters. Pretty sure on that one, cause Lucero is NOT a common last name.”

** – “My brother dislocated his shoulder in a wrestling match. This injury is not as bad, just a good bruise for tomorrow. And yes, my brother did do it live on Turk TV!”

** – “And she hits the ball into what I like to think of as the golden gap.”

** – “You get a free base for that. Well, put free in quotes; you’ve still got to run.”

** – “The fence saved us again from getting hit. Always appreciate your local fence, folks.” 

And if you live in Sultan, appreciate your local play-by-play man, cause you’ve got a great one, Turks.

Don’t make me launch a GoFundMe to outbid you for his services!